A Message from Your University’s Vice President for Wonderful Believing – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

What's Happening

Dear University Community,

Given that we initially revealed our plans to reopen this fall (a far too early decision offered the lack of reputable data about the likely prevalence of COVID-19 in the fall, but done out of requirement to beat the June 1st National College Decision Day due date), lots of students, moms and dads, professors, and personnel have actually asked us how we plan to ensure that we resume securely. Our technique is described listed below, however the short response is this: Our university will proceed as if everything will be all right because we really, actually want it to be.

Class security

After determining classrooms and analyzing our old-fashioned ventilation systems, our personnel (those who have not been furloughed) reports that there’s definitely no method our already scheduled and registered classes can securely suit those spaces. However our university has constantly valued innovative problem-solving, so we have actually published NO COVID -19 ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT indications on the doors of every campus structure. Plus, to demonstrate how seriously we take the situation, the signs have been laminated.

School real estate

All dormitories have actually been completely cleaned up and sanitized, and all citizens will be offered a single room. We ask that after trainees move in, they make frequent usage of our hand sanitizer stations, get in and out of bed on the very same side every day, and flick their light switches on and off exactly 7 times when they go into or leave a space.

When they get here on campus, all students will get a welcome package consisting of a face mask branded with our university logo, a bunny’s foot, a horseshoe, an evil-eye appeal, a Maneki-neko, a crucifix, and a bulb of garlic. We understand some of that things is for vampires, but you can never ever be too careful.

We confess this one’s a toughie. How can we feed countless students while limiting the number of surfaces they touch and maintaining social distancing, all while they eliminate their face masks in order to, you understand, eat?

As our presently laid-off professor of Italian may state, mangia al fresco! We’re delighted to announce that all meals will be served outdoors as pre-packaged picnics. Yes, there is clinical argument on whether the virus is less likely to spread in warmer weather condition, and whether the advantages of outdoors are counteracted by large crowds. However our university has actually boldly decided to think just the theories that we like: that is, being outdoors is great, warm weather eliminates the infection, and if before each meal we hum David Bowie’s “Heroes” while hopping on our left feet, we can never ever get sick.

Psychological health

Many students struggle with anxiety and anxiety, and the varieties of trainees struggling with these and other issues are anticipated to increase drastically in the wake of the pandemic. Prior to coronavirus, we mainly dealt with trainee mental health difficulties by nodding affectionately and directing trainees to our overbooked and understaffed Wellness Center, where they were not able to set up an appointment with among our few therapists. Beginning next semester, we will enhance that policy with the addition of a magic wand made from the exhumed bones of our university’s creator. A receptionist (presently furloughed) will wave the wand over the trainee’s head while shouting, “The Creator cures thee, overcome it, get over it.”

Academic calendar

Simply as we lovingly praise the virus-killing Excellent Fairy of Summer Season, so too we fear the virus-nurturing Bad Fairy of Winter. Accordingly, we will be ending our fall term early, simply prior to Thanksgiving, and starting our spring term in mid-March. Why these dates? Are they random? Are we attempting to prevent vacations in which trainees might take a trip and potentially bring back contagion, or working to calm a range of pagan gods? Most likely yes to all of these.

What are our administrators doing to help? Rest guaranteed, they’re identified to make any sacrifice (short of salary reductions that would go to benefit professors and personnel whose positions have actually been cut) up until we make it through this crisis. Our Provost shreds every brand-new problem of The Chronicle of College and uses the scraps to build remarkably precise effigies of the SARS-CoV-2 infection, which she then smashes and burns while sobbing. Our Dean of Libraries has actually been using her formidable research abilities to find monkeys’ paws, wonderful fish, and other wish-granting entities. And our President has chained his first-born kid on the shores of our neighboring lake as an offering to the fantastic and terrible Kraken.

We can’t wait to welcome our new and returning students to school this fall. In the meantime, please don’t think about the reality that while we state our school will be open and in-person, it’s likely that many classes will still be performed partially or entirely online. And for the love of Ishtar, please don’t think about that under these pedagogically doubtful and possibly dangerous situations, your student may be much better off taking a gap year. Don’t let the bad ideas in; the future of our university literally depends on thinking only excellent ideas!

Oh, and when you get here on campus, be sure to visit our brand-new four-leaf clover garden, situated where the Carrying out Arts Center used to be!

Seriously,
The Vice President for Wonderful Thinking